Okay, here's a short I choked up. Not quite sure about it. Any and all comments will be appreciated.
FADE IN:
EXT. PLAYGROUND ? DAY
The non-existent sounds of a playground full of children.
The children stand silently amidst the swings, the seesaws and the carousels. The swing dangles smoothly like a pendulum, CREAKING in the eerie breeze.
They?re all staring. Staring towards the ground. Staring at a pony-tailed little girl named ALICE. She lays on the ground, motionless. Her leg bent backwards. Her head tilted out of shape. Her eyes gleaming in the midday sun.
ALICE (V/O)
This is me. I never understood this life. Never understood why people did the things they did. My mother used to say that deep down people are scared. Irrational fears partly, but mostly scared of things they don?t understand. I think she was a little scared too. I never got scared. Don?t know why.
(beat)
I was born eight years ago on this very day. So I suppose that makes today my birthday. But in reality, that?s not really my birthday.
FADE TO BLACK:
FADE IN:
EXT. PLAYGROUND ? DAY
Same scene. This time it?s awash with activity. The children play, run, skip, and laugh.
A grey haired OLD WOMAN approaches holding Alice by the hand.
OLD WOMAN
Class, this is Alice. Alice this is the class. Say hello.
Alice smiles and waves.
The children stop cold. Silence absorbs all. The old woman nudges Alice forward, to make friends, then turns and leaves.
Alice looks towards the sea of staring faces, somewhat uncomfortable. The children still stare, some with accusing faces, others scared.
ALICE (V/O)
They look at me because I?m different. I look at them because they?re all the same.
Alice walks towards the swing. The children part to let her through.
ALICE (V/O)
I don?t blame them. They don?t know any better.
She sits and slowly builds up speed.
ALICE (V/O)
To tell you the truth, life was never this hard. For the first few years I was blissfully unaware of my own existence. My world consisted of my mother and my father. Then things changed.
The children circle...
FADE TO BLACK:
FADE IN:
INT. KITCHEN ? DAY
Seven birthday candles rest near a pack of instant cake mix on the table. The pack reading: JUST ADD MILK. A YOUNG WOMAN pours milk into a bowl and stirs. Alice stands next to her, covered from head to toe in flour. The young woman smiles down at her.
ALICE (V/O)
That?s my mother. Scared and alone. Well? not totally alone.
A YOUNG MAN walks into frame. He dips his finger into the cake mix for a taste. She slaps it away. They laugh.
ALICE (V/O)
That?s my father. He always wanted a large family, but mum said we couldn?t afford it. I never understood him. He seemed distant. His love seemed conditional. I remember he used to tell me that I was the best he could have hoped for. But somehow best wasn?t good enough.
FADE TO BLACK:
FADE IN:
EXT. CEMETRY ? DAY
The sombre rain pours. A single casket is lowered into the ground. The small gathering pays their final respects. Alice, age 5, and her parents stand solemnly. The father cries. The mother weeps. Alice has a mediocre expression on her face.
ALICE (V/O)
That would be my father?s mother. My grandmother. She was a sweet old lady. She was always there. Always a part of the family. I should be crying. But I?m not. I don?t know why.
FADE TO BLACK:
FADE IN:
INT. NURSERY ? DAY
CLOSE SHOT: a completed jigsaw puzzle, the main attraction of the Sistine Chapel, God touching the hand of Adam.
WIDER: Alice?s hand puts the final piece in place.
ALICE (V/O)
To me God is a myth. A myth because I can?t remember the first time I heard the story. But if I could meet God, I?d ask her why we are who we are.
WIDER: She smiles at her accomplishment. She looks up and her smile fades.
ALICE (V/O)
I'd ask her if it is wrong for me to be different? Better? Categorically better?
(beat)
I have no thoughts on God. But I suspect if man is God?s image then who am I?
WIDER: the entire nursery comes into view. Parents, teachers and children stare at her, like she?s a freak. Some, scared, rush their child away.
FADE TO BLACK:
FADE IN:
INT. LIVING ROOM ? DAY
Alice, age 4, sits in front of the TV, but not watching. She stares through the open door towards her parent?s bedroom. Her parents are in a heated argument.
ALICE (V/O)
They argue a lot. Argue about me. They say I?m mal-adjusted. They say I?m devoid of real emotion. I think they?re right. It wasn?t always like this. In the beginning I was showered with affection. But there comes a time in every child?s life when they surpass their parents.
FADE TO BLACK:
FADE IN:
INT. DOCTOR?S SURGERY ? DAY
A doctor?s consulting room.
A grey haired DOCTOR consults the nervous mother.
ALICE (V/O)
One reason we love and nurture our kids is because deep down inside we believe them to be us. They?re ours. Our clay to mould in our own image. An inarticulate desire to pass on what was handed down to us ? our genes.
He shows her a genetic map on the computer screen. Most of the map shows up in green.
DOCTOR
Well, the good news is that there are no single gene defects you need to worry about.
She seems relieved. The computer screen zooms in on red areas of the map.
DOCTOR
However, there are a few nuisance genes you might want to consider getting rid of or enhancing.
She looks hesitantly at the doctor.
DOCTOR
For example, any child conceived naturally would have a one-in-three chance of having a learning disability. Maybe dyslexia. Hard to tell how severe it could get at this point. Plus, if it were to be a boy that learning disability could be coupled with depression in later life. I don?t know how prepared you are to take these levels of risk.
She struggles to find the words.
WOMAN
My husband wants a large family.
DOCTOR
Then the risk could increase until it?s a certainty.
(beat)
My advice would be to go for embryo selection coupled with gene enhancement for one or two of these nuisance areas.
He?s like a car salesman laying on the extras. It?s clear the jargon is beginning to confuse her.
She nods, unsure.
DOCTOR
Of course selection will be down to you and your husband.
WOMAN
What do you mean?
DOCTOR
Well, it would be up to you to decide what traits are beneficial for your son.
WOMAN
We?d prefer a daughter.
DOCTOR
Well there you go then.
He smiles. She seems satisfied.
ALICE (V/O)
Chance is a regrettable impurity. Our parents try to draw us maps, which we can follow slavishly as we grow up, burn in the fires of our rebellion, or glance at from time to time as we chart our own course. I suppose this would be my actual birthday. The day my path was chosen for me. The day my destiny was set.
FADE TO BLACK:
FADE IN:
EXT. PLAYGROUND ? DAY
The children surround the swing. Alice keeps going. Her last chance to have fun.
ALICE (V/O)
I am the perfect child. I?m happy, unaccountably so, sweet tempered, social, kind and smart. Admirable traits.
She speeds up, getting higher and higher with every pass. Her ever-increasing arcs keep time like a metronome.
ALICE (V/O)
But not because of the way I?ve been brought up. But simply that?s the way I?ve been programmed to act. Installed in the nucleus of every one of my billions of cells is the code for perfection. Seretonin to make me happy. Dopamine for my temper. Reasoning, cognitive skills ? all enhanced by my genes.
Higher and higher. Trying to reach heaven. Trying to touch the hand of God.
ALICE (V/O)
I?ve been robbed. Robbed of the chance to understand my life. What can I take pride in? The fact that I?m perfect. Unique?
She looks around ? the children?s faces are nothing more than a blur.
ALICE (V/O)
The saddest thing is that with all my perfection I cannot evaluate whether what was done was a good thing. How can I think about what it would be like not to have genetically engineered thoughts?
(beat)
I have a feeling that I am not the one who speaks my thoughts ? I am the one who hears my thoughts.
From where she sits the view is breathtaking. Arching back she sees over the playground wall. On the horizon the sun breaks free of the clouds, revealing civilisation in all its glory, the bustling metropolis. Heat ripples distort the image. It?s surreal, dreamy.
ALICE (V/O)
A perfect world. Plato, Aristotle and everyone in between dreamt of a perfect world.
The children grab hold of the swing and begin to shake. Shaking as one. Shaking with purpose. Shaking with all their might.
ALICE (V/O)
Sadly this isn?t the perfect world...
Alice rides the wave, apathetic, finally smiling.
But it doesn?t last. She falls?
ALICE (V/O)
This is a place where law is neither wrong nor right. Law is only crimes. Punished by places and by times. A place where today?s taboo is tomorrow?s clich?. A place between the pit of man?s fears and the summit of his knowledge.
She lands hard on the tarmac. Her body broken on impact. Silence absorbs all one last time. The children gather round.
ALICE (V/O)
This is me. A child of troubled times. A child of a lesser god.
FADE OUT.
THE END
I really like it. I was taken in straight away and felt sad for Alice.
My only suggestion would be that nearer to the end some of Alice's V/O is a little wooden and explanatory, perhaps it could be better if it were a little more subtle or implied.
However, all in all I really enjoyed it and believe it has great potential. Well done. [img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img]
I thought her voice overs were beginning to drag on a bit near the end. They didn't really enhance the script or add anything further at a certain point. (Somewhere after the scene where they decide he's a girl).
Also, I was waiting for this strong revealing climactic point, but there really isn't any. What is the climax? What is the turning point? Is it the scene where we learn she's 'created'? If so, it wasn't really as 'big' as it should be. And because of that, this whole short felt as a kind of a intro sequence to me. The beginning isn't statisfied with the end, and the end doesn't statisfy the beginning.
Ehm, try to increase the effect of the end, or at least to the 'revelation' scene. It should be building up and then WHAM knock us where we least expected it. (Ok, this is my opinion, but that's how I feel about shorts).
And why are they all looking at her as if she's a freak? Can they see her perfectness?
Well, I feel kind of vague about this screenplay, I don't really know what to think. As for positive parts: "I have a feeling that I am not the one who speaks my thoughts ? I am the one who hears my thoughts." That line is awesome and you shouldn't cut that away. Your screenplay kind of reminded me of the graphic novel 'Sandman' by Neil Gaiman, which is definetely a plus. But I still don't wholly get it, maybe that's because you don't really know what to do with it? (Hey I'm just trying to give constructive critism here)
i didnt really understand it but i dare say thats more becos of my reading than your writing... but i agree it sorta drags on towards the end...
you have to be careful with vioce overs... its easy to fall into the trap of doing pretentious artyfarty **** that doesnt actually add anything to the narrative...
theres a very fine line between being philosphical and just sounding like a pretentious **** ... tread carefully
My opinions.
Mere observations.
+
It reads well.
Seems somewhat thought-out.
Strong developed theme.
Solid conflicted character.
Practical.
Has potential.
-
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">non-existent? Then how do we hear them? Am I missing something?The non-existent sounds of a playground full of children.
Despite character's inner conflict, there's no outer conflict.
Script takes itself too seriously.
Lacks a sense of humor.
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